We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
