do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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