At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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