Apparently you make a good broom.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
