i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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