his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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