The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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