I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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