It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
