hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
