the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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