that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
