Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
...so i touched it.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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