There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
