Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
