Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
