There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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