The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
