dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
someone get that fucking seahorse.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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