so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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