My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
