Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
