i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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