I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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