i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
