Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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