someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
