It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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