You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
