nut hugger
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
