I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
