SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
