it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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