kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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