well I can't set my house on fire every night
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
