Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
