i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
