Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
