I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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