What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
