I faked an abortion last night.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
