Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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