if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
