i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
