It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
