Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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