hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
