Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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