he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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