Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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