I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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