The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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