Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
