I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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