i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
